Back when Al Franken hosted a radio show, one of his guests was an expert on “big cats”—tigers, lions, jaguars, leopards, etc. Franken asked her, “If my house cat, my domesticated pet, were big enough, would she eat me?” The expert didn’t hesitate: “Yes, probably.” So much for our feline “friends.” Now don't get me wrong; I love cats, and in the past, a few have kept me as their pet. But I am a confirmed dog person. This is Lucy. We adopted her at our local shelter eight years ago, when she was about a year old. Her DNA is Dachshund, Miniature Pinscher and Boston Terrier. Lucy weighs 21 pounds--the smallest dog to ever live with us. Even if she were 200 pounds, Lucy would never eat me. Lucy sleeps in our bed between my wife Janice and me every night, under the covers, snuggling and nestled against my side. Supposedly, if you allow your dog to sleep with you, it will cause him or her to bark excessively. I do not understand the canine psychology behind that theory, but Lucy is indeed a vigilant and vocal protector of our domain. Although Lucy does not regard me as prey (she prefers squirrels), she does appreciate my salinity. Every morning, Lucy dutifully and thoroughly licks the salty sleep from my eyes. She then progresses to a tongue lavage of my nostrils, which I very briefly endure for her sake. When she has finished the job, she rolls onto her back and bares her pink belly, upon which I plant my open mouth and produce a loud, sloppy raspberry, eliciting faint little grunts of piglet pleasure. The whole routine is choreographed. Some might deem it unsanitary, and maybe even a bit disgusting. Screw them. The bond that Lucy and I share is so obvious that it has caused my wife to experience a tinge of jealousy. Recently Janice said that she sometimes wonders if I love Lucy more than I love her. “Oh, honey,” I said, “don’t be ridiculous. It’s just that Lucy is so uninhibited with her show of affection. And I have to reciprocate because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Of course I love you more. I mean, she’s just a dog.” “I’m never going to lick your eyeballs.” "What?" "Your ocular secretions. Rheum." (She's a nurse.) “Oh, of course not. Don't be silly. But....” "But what?" “But—say if every time I come home, whether I’ve been away two weeks or two hours, you would run as fast as you can to greet me at the door, wearing nothing but a monogrammed reflective pink collar, shaking your butt like crazy, and frantically paw me all over, getting so excited that you lose control of your bladder, well, then it would be a no-brainer. No contest. Definitely.” “If I ever did that, you’d have a heart attack on the spot.” “Yeah, you’re probably right. But I’d die a happy man.” “Well, don’t worry. Ain’t gonna happen. Besides, I wouldn’t want to make Lucy jealous.” * * * Lucy and I are still bonding every night, and continuing our morning ritual, and now she and Janice and I also sometimes cuddle together in a threesome on our big comfy couch in the living room, sharing a bowl of popcorn and watching DOGTV. My vision is amazingly clear. ### P.S.--Lucy usually hogs the remote.
6 Comments
Jennifer
11/26/2020 07:19:05 am
Our downstairs cats run to greet us when we walk in the door. Usually. Lots of meowing. They'd probably eat us if they could, though.
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Ken Bash
12/5/2020 03:19:56 pm
I’m afraid I may have offended a few felinophiles when I suggested that their beloved pets might make a meal out of them. Thank you, as a cat person, for being a good sport and reacting so magnanimously. I grew up on a farm where we had about 15 cats, and I do recall bonding with some, and even occasionally sleeping with a few, but I always felt more of a kinship with our dogs. There were no humans around!
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11/26/2020 02:15:03 pm
Kenneth-Bobbeth Love your confession of true love for Lucy. (And I read between the lines your naughty wit--love it too.) As a fellow dog lover, I would like to reprint it on my blog, with your permission, of course, and proper attribution. Would love to print Lucy's pic as well.
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Ken Bash
11/26/2020 02:52:23 pm
Thank you Lare! A guest appearance on LarryLMeyer.com would be such an honor! And Lucy has graciously consented to waive her customary residual for reprinting her image. (She retains copyright, however.) Happy Thanksgiving to all humans and canines in Lorenzo Land!
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Chris
12/20/2020 08:19:19 am
Dogs are the best!
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Your comment has been flagged by website administration. KenBash.com takes no position regarding the superiority of a particular suborder of mammals. Both Feliformia and Caniformia play vital roles in our biological realm, and are equally important associates of Homo sapiens.
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